The Secret Life of Climate Researchers

Iowahawk knocks another one out of the park.

Like other species in the order homo scientifica, the climate researcher gathers and organizes data to lure grant money to the hive. In contrast to those other species, however, the climate researcher has evolved a set of complex violent behaviors to insure any data leaving the hive is perfectly adapted to nature’s most lucrative and sweetest grants. It really is a marvel of natural selection, and explains why the climate researcher continues to thrive in any kind of weather condition.

If you're not one of iowahawks' regular readers, you're missing out. David Burge is pure genius... some of the very best satire on the 'net.

But they'd be in violation of the dress code

Monkeys recognize "bad grammar"

Perhaps they could give lessons to a few of our students... but they'd be sent to the bathroom to shave and cut off their mohawks before we'd allow it.

Dude, I feel your pain and all, but really?

House wrecked as man kills weeds with flame thrower

A German gardener's house was left a smouldering wreck on Friday after he set it on fire while trying to get rid of the weeds with the help of a flame-thrower, police said.

After accidentally setting his hedge alight, the 54-year-old's garden shed was soon also engulfed in flames and despite efforts to extinguish the fire with a garden hose, the blaze spread to the roof of the house.

Seven firemen were needed to put out the blaze in Tangstedt near Hamburg in northern Germany, which occurred on Thursday. Police said the house was now uninhabitable.

No, really?

Get some Roundup, dude. Or a hoe. They make garden implements for such things as chopping weeds. Been making those things for prolly hundreds of years or more.

Of course, it's not as sexy as a flamethrower. But there's something distinctly un-sexy about burning down your house.

Popeye's gonna have the munchies after this batch...

Police seize 1,200 pounds of pot in spinach cans

Dude, you're probably CALLING the things, not driving them AWAY

Bagpipes fail to deter bats

An Australian orchard grower said fruit bats are decimating his crop and not even the drone of his bagpipes can scare them away.

Bob Johnson and his wife, Sue, said the Queensland state government passed environmentalist-backed legislation last year to stop orchard growers from shooting bats, leaving them with few options to protect their crop, the Brisbane Courier-Mail reported Friday.

Johnson said he tried playing his bagpipes to scare away the bats but they were unmoved by his Scottish musical stylings.

I'm guessing a troupe of piccolists probably wouldn't be successful, either. Perhaps some Fall Out Boy might successfully rid the man's orchard of fruit bats.

EWWWW!!

Nebraska's "Butt Bandit" suspect faces charges

Cherry County Attorney Eric Scott said that on Tuesday he filed nine counts of public indecency and one count of disturbing the peace against 35-year-old Tom Larvie of Valentine, Nebraska. All are misdemeanors.

Larvie is suspected of leaving greasy, graphic imprints of his naked behind, and sometimes his groin, on the windows of stores, churches and schools in Valentine since the spring of 2007.

The marks were made with lotion or petroleum jelly.

Larvae tend to be smallish and worm-like, right? Maybe the guy's just a walking self-fulfilling prophecy.

Cheesus

Woman finds Jesus in bag of Cheetos

Kelly Ramey says, "I think I found Jesus on a Cheeto as funny as that sounds."

Kelly says her husband has a special name for it. "He calls him Cheesus."

This is all it takes to get a story on Fox News? I'm going to start buying Cheetos to see if I can find one that looks just like Sean Hannity, and I'll call it Sean Cheesity.

File this under "Wish I'd Said It First"

Just heard Jay Leno bring up this news item:

Heavy marijuana use shrinks two parts of the brain

and his punch line:

"Yeah, the part of the brain that makes you get up off the couch and the part of the brain that makes you get a job."

Stuff

Notice anything... er... unusual about the school parking lot on the last day of school? No? Well, one of the freshman boys who doesn't have his driver's license yet decided he was driving to school anyway. He doesn't have to have a driver's license to drive the tractor.


And guess who's back on the front porch for another go-round?

Get Offa My Lawn

This guy oughta be the poster child for the GOMLP:

Police are investigating complaints after a man installed a device, more commonly used by shops to disperse young people, on his house.

Colin Martin said he bought the gadget for his home, in the Cadoxton area of Barry, south Wales, after years of anti-social behaviour and that he had not had a problem since.

But residents said the device, known as the Mosquito, was driving away innocent children. The Mosquito emits a high-pitched sound which causes discomfort to young ears, but is above the normal hearing range for most people after they hit their 20s.

And where can I get one of those Mosquito thingys?

The Week's Best Mugshots

Courtesy of The Smoking Gun.

Check out Unibrow Guy, Purple Paranoia, and The Facial Tattoo Twins... they're especial favorites of mine.

How'dja like to be this guy?

Meet Marvin Gonzales. Marvin and his pals stole a mini-van on Christmas Day. A MINI-VAN. On CHRISTMAS.

And while he and his pals were running from the cops after wrecking the mini-van, he had the brilliant idea to hide under someone's motor-home.

At which point he was fingered by a Chihuahua.

A THREE POUND CHIHUAHUA.

Named Tank.

Jiggle Your Fat Away!!

Maybe those old fat-jiggler machines had the right idea...?

Vibrate to Keep Fat Off? Study Weighs In

The Flush Revolution

Japan flushing away toilet taboos

"The Japanese have realized that the old-fashioned custom of avoiding the discussion on toilets and bathrooms only resulted in dirty outhouses. Today, in Japanese homes, the toilet takes pride of place," said Koo Ue, spokesman for the Japan Toilet Association (JTA). According to Ue, modern bathroom trends reflect the high respect that the Japanese have for clean, healthy lifestyles. The catching up has been swift. Ue and others like him who promote flush toilets supported by sewage systems report impressive and rapid gains. Flush-toilet use in the country now stands at a respectable 88%, much higher than the pathetic figure of 50% just a decade ago, according to the Japan Sewage Association.

The traditional Japanese squat-type toilet:


And the modern kind, with all the gadgets you could ever want:

Hero

Woman apprehends pedophile rapist using barbecue fork

"I stuck him in his butt!" Linda Rhodes told MyFOXdfw.com, explaining how she and her son John Jennings apprehended the 17-year-old suspect Friday night in Garland, Texas.

Sometimes I really love citizen justice... and if you click on the article, the picture of the rapist will definitely set off your creepdar.

UPDATE: This link just scored me my very first FARK greenlight!!

What... is your quest?

Archaeologist sparks new speculation about location of Holy Grail

Alfredo Barbagallo, an Italian archaeologist, claims that it is buried in a chapel-like room underneath the Basilica of San Lorenzo Fuori le Mura, one of the seven churches which Christian pilgrims used to visit when they came to Rome.

Mr Barbagallo based his claim on two years spent studying mediaeval iconography inside the basilica and a description of a particular chamber, in a guide to the catacombs written in 1938 by a Capuchin friar named Giuseppe Da Bra.

And therefore it is time for Something Completely Different:

Bridgekeeper: Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Sir Lancelot: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?
Sir Lancelot: My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Sir Lancelot: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour?
Sir Lancelot: Blue.
Bridgekeeper: Go on. Off you go.
Sir Lancelot: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
Sir Robin: That's easy.
Bridgekeeper: Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Sir Robin: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?
Sir Robin: Sir Robin of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Sir Robin: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is the capital of Assyria?
[pause]
Sir Robin: I don't know that.
[he is thrown over the edge into the volcano]
Sir Robin: Auuuuuuuugh.
Bridgekeeper: Stop. What... is your name?
Galahad: Sir Galahad of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Galahad: I seek the Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour?
Galahad: Blue. No, yel...
[he is also thrown over the edge]
Galahad: auuuuuuuugh.
Bridgekeeper: Hee hee heh. Stop. What... is your name?
King Arthur: It is 'Arthur', King of the Britons.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
King Arthur: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
King Arthur: What do you mean? An African or European swallow?
Bridgekeeper: Huh? I... I don't know that.
[he is thrown over]
Bridgekeeper: Auuuuuuuugh.
Sir Bedevere: How do know so much about swallows?
King Arthur: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.

Hat tip to Blue Crab Boulevard.

Crashingly funny

Truck slams into building in St. Petersburg, Florida

St. Petersburg, Florida - A woman followed her boyfriend's directions a little closely and ended up crashing her truck into a building this morning in St. Petersburg.

The woman says she and her boyfriend were running late to an appointment for his probation at the Salvation Army Correctional Services building at 4950 U.S. Hwy. 19.

She says her boyfriend told her to make a quick turn, but she lost control of her truck and slammed into the building.

The woman and her boyfriend were not injured, but their vehicle is heavily damaged.

It turns out that the couple was later than they thought for the probation appointment... it was actually scheduled for yesterday.

Mmmmm... sausage...

Alabama boy kills 1051-lb monster pig, bigger than "Hogzilla"

With a pistol.

He's eleven years old.

Tall People Should Pay Higher Taxes

Well, according to Harvard economics professor N. Gregory Mankiw and his student Matthew Weinzierl in their paper The Optimal Taxation of Height: A Case Study of Utilitarian Income Redistribution.

[snicker] In their plan, those of us who are severely altitudinally-deficient would get extra bennies. I mean, geesh, society OWES it to us because we spend all our extra time hemming our pants, climbing stepladders and damaging our feet with platform shoes in order to be noticed.

Laurence Simon cracks me up

He umm... uncovered... a story about a golf course discovery. And he agrees with me about the wise use of real estate property.