Thursday, May 21, 2009

Infrared Coagulation Day!

Or, in other words, the Day I Had a Red-Hot Poker Shoved Up My Arse... which, come to think of it, IN NO WAY DIFFERS FROM HOW I'M ALREADY FEELING ANYWAY... but at least now there's hope of improvement in the near future.

If this is more information than you EVER wanted to read about me, skip the rest of this post and go visit Instapundit or IMAO or somebody, k?

I visited a nice lady doctor in Dallas who only treats this one condition, with various forms of therapy depending upon the state of affliction. She also recommended a few things I had not thought of, but which in hindsight make a lot of sense.

First, she said No More Toilet Paper Ever, World Without End, Amen. Even when things improve, I can no longer use TP. Baby wipes. That's the only thing. TP is extremely irritating, particularly when a person "goes" as often as I do -- an unfortunate side effect of a biliopancreatic diversion with duodenal switch bariatric surgical procedure. And really, the *only* unfortunate side effect of the BPD/DS, because all the other side effects have been spectacular. Like losing a whole lot of weight, for starters. But I digress. No more TP. Seems reasonable.

Second, she wants me to consume some sort of product with probiotics in it, like Activia or one of the other kinds like that. She said that diarrhea is actually the number one cause of hemorrhoids, not constipation like you'd think. Activia might help restore some semblance of balance in my gut.

And third, the ever-popular Kegel exercises, for obvious reasons.

Finally, an Epsom salt soak in a scalding hot bathtub for 20-30 minutes, two or three times a day. Yay! I love soaking. Gives me a chance to read in peace and silence.

Okey dokey, I think I can handle those things.

She did actually do an infrared coagulation treatment on the most egregious, er, area. I go back in four weeks to get checked and see if things are sufficiently improved. At that time, she'll do another IRC if it's warranted.

Someone I love and respect greatly but who shall remain unnamed actually had hemorrhoid surgery a few years back and told me at that time NEVER EVER DO THAT because it was THE WORST THING EVER ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH. I took that warning to heart because this person isn't the sort of person to be over-dramatic. Which is why I'm giving IRC a try. Let's keep our fingers crossed that it really works, because this misery is something I'd definitely wish upon Fidel Castro or Ahmadinejad or Kim Jong Il, but not someone I had even an iota of compassion for.

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