Not Knowing

Even though I've always felt I was pretty good at Not Knowing, I find that I'm really not that great at it after all.

I consider myself to be something of a random, chaotic personality... but I'm really just fooling myself. I like to have structure imposed upon me from outside of myself. I like for that structure to be large and roomy, allowing me to fill up the space inside however I please... but I crave stability.

And we just haven't had much of that this past year.

I'm tired... a bit dejected... troubled... and questioning my capabilities. I suppose it's only natural. Having babies is natural, too, but it hurts like a mutha.

I'd like to be patient, but I know that school districts are already busy interviewing candidates for open positions. I haven't gotten a single call from any of them. And I've been nixed by Valero (although I'm not hugely disappointed by that because I'm not sure I'd fit in so well in that environment). For a person who tends to internalize everything anyway, this is extremely discouraging.

What, do I have some kind of flashing light on my forehead that says "DO NOT HIRE" on it? Sheesh.

If I haven't gotten a single call for an interview by the first of June, I'm getting my CDL and going to truck-driving school. Breaker-one-nine, come-back?