Sunday, November 26, 2006

Trying to overcome the nagging feeling...

I'm trying to kick this nagging thought that's been in the back of my head for a while now... the thought that somehow this whole thing -- the move, the job, the church -- is a punishment. I think -- no, I know -- that I've been in a funk for a while, and this is one of the symptoms.

It's difficult to put my finger on it, mainly because I'm so foggy-minded and unsure of myself. I don't know "how to be", I guess. I'm living in a constant state of fear and depression. This small town, is it going to be my home for a long time? Can I let down my guard and actually get to know someone, make a friend and develop a lasting relationship? I think that the fear of doing this is what's driving me further downward. Kind-of like a mild form of attachment disorder, maybe. Are these people going to let me down and reject me and make me feel even more like a loser than I already do? Obviously, an unstable environment is not a healthy one for me.

When we moved to Iowa, I didn't have this much trouble, mainly because I had a built-in support system with the church we went there to assist.

Here, I don't have that. Yes, my family is nearby, but it's not the same.

I have made attempts to be friendly and to ingratiate myself with those around me, but in a way I think they've "steeled themselves" against me as well... I'm just another one of the teachers who are just passing through on their way to somewhere else, so why get to be friends with me?

The students aren't that way, I'm grateful to say. They've been terrific. But Rick and I need some other couples to befriend and spend time with; this little church just can't offer that. The isolation is almost unbearable.

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