And that's okay.
During the holidays, I had gotten excited about traveling with a group from my church to Honduras to do mission work at an orphanage/school. I don't have the $$ for such a thing, but I've always seen God provide whatever I needed when He asked me to do something.
I thought I'd just do what I did about a decade ago when I wanted to buy a keyboard and amp for myself: I'd paint and then post the paintings on this blog and sell them to raise the money. And after a few months of this, I had accumulated enough money to purchase exactly the equipment I needed... most of the people who bought paintings on my blog, I had never known prior to that. Somehow they found their way there. Obviously, I know Who did that. I have learned NEVER to doubt God when He points me in a direction.
Well... as time has gone by, I have not felt peaceful about this trip. For a while I thought maybe it was because I needed to take Isaac with me. Then I thought maybe Isaac needed to go without me.
And now I am fairly certain it's just not what God wants me to do this summer. Tomorrow I'll let the youth minister know to take us off the list.
From a pure self-preservation standpoint, I really need to spend my summer putting together next year's choir and art plans. I need to practice piano and learn new music prior to teaching it to the kids rather than learning it along with them. It's what had to be done this year, since I really had no notion of how to do what I've done (which is pretty much how I've tackled every new thing I've ever done in my life)... but it's not going to be an effective ongoing strategy.
I feel I've neglected my art classes somewhat, in my hyper-focus on music. I've kept the yearbook going very well, but that's become something of a rote automatic thing anyway. I have a great staff of yearbook kids, but there are no computers in my classroom with which they can offer much assistance -- my editor uses her own laptop to work on it. Plus, my editor and several students have done yeoman's work getting photos of elementary and middle school kids and their activities, freeing me up to keep working. The school bought me a whiz-bang, bells-and-whistles computer and monitor this year which has proved to be a MARVELOUS thing to get pictures processed quickly.
Back to the summer... I also have been presented with a serious offer by the school's Ag teacher. This summer, his sows will be farrowing and there will be piglets born (as they are every summer). He is going to give me one of those piglets to raise, feed, train and show next year as a learning project, and then once show season is over, I'll get to have the pig butchered and I'll get to keep the meat. This is something I have LONG been interested in, but have had absolutely no notion of how it gets done every year. My son just isn't the Ag type; he's much happier building, repairing and servicing computers. But I've decided that the best thing would be to raise a pig that isn't going to be a show winner (because I don't want to take the attention away from the kids doing the showing). I just want to go through the process and get lots of pictures of kids doing what they have to do when no-one's looking (cleaning pigpens, feeding, training). And then I think I'd like to write about it... probably in a non-fiction sort of way, because I don't think I'm good enough for fiction writing... and hopefully publish it.
I don't plan on doing piano lessons during the summer, although I'm not counting it out altogether. But all these things that God has put into my pathway seem to be telling me I need to keep cultivating things here on the home front. I've traveled overseas and done mission work, and I can always do it again... but it really seems to me that, for right now, home's where I need to stay. Who knows? Maybe I'll be able to get the yard fenced again and dig up old, tired plants to replace them with fresh new ones... all with an eye toward someday having backyard chickens (which is another long-term project on the horizon, as several of us are planning to petition the city council to allow backyard chickens in the city ordinances).
There's no place like home, you know.
UPDATE: There's also no guarantee that my insecurity about a thing equals a No from God.
I told the youth minister this morning that I just didn't have peace about the trip, and to take our names off the list. He encouraged me to stay on the list for now; he said that the music minister and his wife were also considering going along, and that that might mean a music angle on the trip that wasn't there before. Also, he reassured me about the cost of the trip (which I will admit also weighed heavy on my mind).
So for now, I'll withhold a final Yea or Nay. It's up to God. If He wants Isaac and me to go, then He will make a way.
Which also means we need to go ahead and renew our passports. It never hurts to have an active passport, even if we don't end up going.