Thursday, March 01, 2007

Attention Deficit Migraine

I thought that this particular Emily Dickinson poem suited me this evening, both from a "disjointed thoughts" angle and a "my head is killing me" angle:

I felt a Cleaving in my Mind --
As if my Brain had split --
I tried to match it -- Seam by Seam --
But could not make it fit.

The thought behind, I strove to join
Unto the thought before --
But Sequence ravelled out of Sound
Like Balls -- upon a Floor.

or, in other words:

Having a Scattered Brain can be exhausting sometimes, just from the sheer effort it takes to keep myself focused. Sometimes it doesn't do any good to try. Other times I want it so badly that I end up with a headache afterward. That's what I did tonight at band rehearsal.

I'm already vaguely dissatisfied... not with the talent level, because the guys are incredibly talented, but with the built-in inability to stray from the EXACT COPY of the CD sound. We have to match it. Some of it is necessary, since we're using a click track. But when we can't add a part or make it "our own" because it's not on the original CD recording?

I also can't tell if it's just because I had the beginnings of a headache all day anyway and am predisposed to irritation anyway.

I admit that I'm chafing a little under the strain of playing along with a pre-recorded set of tracks... I know it's got to be beneficial for me to learn to do this, but the free-spirited artist in me fights against the bit constantly. I don't wear discipline well.

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