Sometimes the bitter pessimist in me wonders if I will ever be able to truly be friends with another musician, because it seems like just when I get really, truly attached to them, I get hurt. Makes me want to withdraw, to crawl in a personal hole and shrink from all human contact.
And then the Spirit within me sees that God not only knew about this from the beginning, he also loves me enough to answer several long-term personal prayers at the same time, to help me through the hurt and to prevent me from hiding away.
I have resigned from SoulFire. I'm still sorting out all the details, so there really isn't any one specific reason that I'm able to put into words here. I love every one of them with all my heart, but I think that for some inexplicable reason, our personalities just didn't jive. I guess it happens to bands all the time, but it doesn't make it feel any better when it does. I've shared a lot with these guys over the past year, and worked as hard as I've ever worked... I was committed to seeing it through and to helping them be successful, I had rearranged an enormous part of my life to accommodate it, and I've invested a lot of myself (not to mention $$) in the band as a whole and in the individuals in it.
My disappointment... no, that's not an adequate term for how desolate I feel... loss is so humiliating and painful... but "disappointment" will have to do, I guess... my disappointment is almost too much to bear. Tomorrow I'll feel better, maybe, but tonight I just want to be left alone in my puddle of grief. Sorry if I sound a bit over-the-top.
I'm still in romansroad (Jeff has been a stalwart friend to me through this whole crappy issue) and as evidence that God really does love me, he has dropped another something into my lap as well to keep me moving along. I have been asked to join a blues band -- the lead singer is actually a blues hall-of-famer. Tomorrow night is the first time I'll get to practice with them, so it's kind-of an audition, I guess. I've been cramming for a couple of days now, as if I were about to take my SATs or something, only instead of studying algebraic formulas I'm studying a CD of their music. I'll share more details with you as they unfold.
So wait a minute, Kris, you might be saying. Weren't you working yourself to death doing all those paintings so you could make enough money to buy your own music equipment so you could do SoulFire gigs? Well, yes, I was. But again, God knew what he was doing, and most of the time it doesn't look anything like what I originally thought it would. Anyway... I was nosing around in a local music shop on Saturday when yet another gift floated down from heaven and landed in front of me. There in the corner of the upstairs loft sat a Roland RS-70 synthesizer... and it was marked down from $1295 to $695. I rubbed my eyes, thinking I was dreaming. It was all alone in the corner, and there were no other keyboards in the entire shop. I asked one of the employees if he wouldn't mind hooking it up for me so I could test it out, and when I played it I knew I was in heaven. Thank you, God, I breathed silently. This meant that I could afford to buy this keyboard PLUS an amp RIGHT NOW, and with money left over. I snapped it up as quickly as I could (it wouldn't do for someone else to come into the shop and find this Pearl of Great Price and take it away from me), along with a fabulous amp. And with the money left over, I got to indulge one last little prayer I'd been hiding in my heart for a long time... a half-sized Martin acoustic guitar. A full-sized Martin is a bit out of my price range, of course, but any full-size guitar would be a problem because my hands just aren't very big and I have trouble reaching my fingers across the neck to all the frets. But the "Little Martin" is just perfectly sized for me and my stubby hands, and the price was exactly right. "Sweet Baby" (that's what I've named it) has a lovely sound for such a tiny little thing, too. Of course, one would expect a Martin to sound good. I didn't want to waste my time on something that didn't sound good, since I'm picky about how a guitar sounds. I've already learned several chords, although I'm still slow at it just yet. Give me time. I can be powerfully determined when I put my mind to something.
This means that my painting project is over, and much much sooner than I thought it would be. I will still paint, although right now I'm backed up with a ton of commissioned orders and I won't have time for much else for a while.
For those of you still waiting on paintings, hang in there because they're coming. I'm great at producing, and not so great on remembering to package things up and put them in the mail. I will get them out this week, I promise.
Anyway, back to the keyboard -- no, it's not the one I'd originally picked out. But it's actually going to be much, much more practical and still do exactly what I need it to do. I wanted one with 88 weighted keys, but in hindsight I know that those are horribly heavy and difficult to move around, even in a wheeled case. This one's easy on the arms, and yet it's no lightweight when it comes to sound and selection and features. It's exactly what I need for doing gigs... even if the gigs aren't with the band I expected.
And then, as just a little icing on the substantial slice of cake I've been served, another one of my private little desires has been to learn and understand jazz music, since it's been sort-of the "last frontier" for me. I wasn't really ever exposed to jazz as a youngster, per se, but I recognize its immense influence over the music that I did listen to -- rock, pop, gospel, etc. -- and I want to understand it and play it with more ease. As I've gotten involved in the church's worship band, I've begun to stretch in that direction occasionally... but in a blues band, I'm going to be immersed fully in it. It's an extremely exciting opportunity for me to be able to do things I've only ever dreamed of being able to do.
God's good, y'know? He really, really is. Even in the midst of deep disappointment, he proves his love for me by pouring out evidence of the fact that he's at work in my world and he's inviting me to join him. May I always, always have a "Yes" ready for him when he asks.
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