Umm, yeah. I know what you mean.

Mel over at Actual Unretouched Photo wrote a post last Friday that absolutely rings a bell with me.

How Today Could Have Been Worse

This was one of those days in which I question myself. Why am I doing this? Why did I find the idea of childlessness so repugnant? Where did I go wrong? How can I get out of my contract? Who are these people living in my house and how can I evict them?

She goes on to list a few things that could have made the day worse, such as a giant meteor crashing into the planet. Heh.

I spent a good deal of yesterday morning at church rather upset over something one of my children had done... wondering when I had signed up to take on a child with a mood/behavior disorder... and God reminded me in Scripture that each person is responsible for his own conduct. Doesn't absolve me from working hard to point her in the right direction and protect her from unnecessary stress and temptation, but she knows right from wrong and ultimately she is responsible for that choice. If she's unable to overcome an actual medical problem, we work hard to find the right dose of the right medication to address the problem.

It helps me to step back and view things clinically sometimes, particularly where this child is concerned, because it removes the "personal" nature of the attacks and the rages. I could choose to be hurt over the things she says and does, or I can view these things as indicators of a problem that needs to be addressed.

I dealt with an irascible, out-of-control student today, and I felt a great sense of control over the situation because I remained perfectly calm and removed my emotions from it. If I could only do that consistently with my own child! Actually, I usually do, but then there are just times when I'm at the end of my peace and the tired, cranky, reactionary Mommy comes out to play.

So, yeah, I often wonder if I signed on some dotted line somewhere while I was asleep, because I don't remember anything about this. I guess I shouldn't complain; people put up with all kinds of illnesses and disorders that are probably way worse than this. I could have to care for a child who's permanently in diapers. BLECH!! But it seems almost an even trade-off, for a child who hates me, hates herself, hates everything. I don't know which is worse.