I've always been this way, at least as long as I can remember. It's not even a conscious thing. Wherever I am, whoever I'm with, I morph to reflect my surroundings. If everyone's feeling comfortable and funny, then I am, too. If someone's shut down or quiet, then I am, too. I hate being that way, but I couldn't change it even if I tried.
Tonight we were all at Tim's house, where a photographer had come to do a photo shoot of SoulFire for the CD and the web site. I almost always feel uneasy in someone else's house anyway, but for some reason whenever I'm at Tim's, I feel very outsider-ish. Wish I knew why that is, because it's not anything I can put my finger on. I feel totally fine with Tim, Amy, Mark & AJ when we're at church or in the studio. Maybe it's just because people's houses are so, well, personal. It's like that's their own private spot and I don't have any business being there.
Maybe it's just because I'm weird. Yeah, that's probably it.
Anyway, they grilled hamburgers and I tried to eat one, but I was so edgy that I knew from the first bite that it wasn't going to stay down. It wasn't the hamburger's fault; it was fine. It was just me.
Being photographed is also uncomfortable. I'm looking rather old these days, and my face is dinged-up from adult acne (I had perfect skin in high school, so I guess this is payback time) and little wrinkles and just plain old AGE. I never was much to look at, and time hasn't improved it. But I'm less fretful about it than I used to be. I figure, hey, this is how I look. Like it, or don't. Makes no difference to me. I have a gigantic head and a big wide face and no lips, because that's how God made me, and hey -- Rick likes me fine, and that's all that matters, right? Actually, I'm not sure Rick could pick me out of a lineup, but that's just because that sort of thing doesn't even enter his mind to notice.
Hey, speaking of lips... I bought some of this stuff Estee Lauder has put out now that you dab onto your lips like lip gloss and it actually plumps them up. IT WORKS. I wouldn't have believed it, but it honestly does. Okay, it doesn't make my lips look like Julia Roberts', because it's just not possible. But it definitely enhances what you've already got. You dab it on lightly (it tingles a little after a few seconds), then wait until it dries (it's a leetle on the sticky side), then put your regular lipstick on over it. My lips were plumper for the entire day after I used it the first time. I'm saving it for special occasions, though. Can't waste good lips on just any old thing, now can I?
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